Chapter1
Sofiia sat in the bath, scrubbing herself furiously with the sponge, trying to quell the anger swelling in her chest and barely holding back from smashing her stupid head against the wall with all her strength — let it crack, what good was a head without brains — while brutal scenes from the night before kept surfacing in her memory.
Fucking hell!.. Why, why the hell had she gone to that club, that dive, that den of depravity?! It was Nadia, it was her, the bitch, who wouldn’t let go: you need to relax, reboot, forget your troubles! Ugh, what a little slut, what a lousy bitch!..
Relaxed, sure!.. Rebooted, just great!.. Mmm, how disgusting!..
She felt like throwing up, her head ached and her throat was raw — she had never felt so awful. It was all because of that joint... And they had warned her! They had warned her and she hadn’t listened, the total idiot! Alcohol plus weed, and there you go... If she hadn’t got high, nothing would have happened. She wouldn’t have let them, full stop! She would have fought them off, broken free somehow! And if not, she would have bitten down with all her strength so it fell off and couldn’t even be sewn back on! And let them kill her, to hell with it!..
But no, she didn’t even try to defend herself, she put up with it in silence like a dumb sheep, just bleating! She got scared... Of course she got scared, who wouldn’t...
Although... there was a moment when she hadn’t minded herself, wasn’t there? Worse than that, she had wanted it!.. Got wasted, the moron, and felt like it! Oh, if only she had known how it would end...
Or hadn’t she wanted it? No, it seems she had, after all...
You can’t say for sure now, it’s all a blur... Well! It’s happened, and there’s no undoing it, however you look at it...
God, my head is splitting, I need a pill. And to gargle. With baking soda... yes, soda, we had some somewhere...
Bastards, may your things wither and drop off, animals!!!
And at first everything was fine, normal, decent, you know, dancing, grinding, groping, and even after that it was nothing much; it was only towards the end that it got rough. Shit, how rough! And painful... Well, not that painful, but how sordid and unpleasant!.. It’s disgusting even to remember... Except perhaps a few moments... Oh, come on!.. Those moments don’t count...
Still, it’s curious how after that cigarette everything suddenly became... light, and strange, and happy too, as if it wasn’t her at all but some other girl, a stranger, with whom — go ahead, do whatever you like... And whoever likes, like with a rubber doll... while she herself watches as if from the side...
Those freaks think their dollars let them do anything, damned perverts! By the way, the money is still in her handbag; hopefully Serhii won’t see it, he’d ask where she got it...
Damn, how, how could she have sunk so low?.. Hell, how shameful!.. She threw up all over the place... How could she get so wasted! And she knew, she knew perfectly well that she mustn’t drink! What an idiot!..
And how carefully she had got ready, as if for a celebration! Nadia was getting impatient outside the entrance and kept pressing the intercom; and when the taxi took them through streets covered in dirty snow, a dull unease appeared in her soul and kept growing, her confidence faded, her excitement vanished altogether, she didn’t feel like anything any more, and she should have refused and gone back home, let Nadia go on her own, but no!..
And why the hell did she go there, the fool?! Why?! If she had stayed at home like a decent woman, nothing would have happened!..
Serhii tugged at the door; he had woken up and heard that she was already home.
“Sonia, why have you locked yourself in? Is everything all right?”
She didn’t answer, only grew angrier.
“Sofiia!” Louder. “Are you alive in there?”
“What the fuck is it to you?!” She couldn’t hold back and snapped, and her head answered with a sharp pain that made everything go dark.
“What’s the matter with you?..” he asked, at a loss, waited a little, muttered something and went away.
“Bastard!” she swore under her breath. So that he wouldn’t hear. Oh, let him hear, let him know it was all his fault!..
A week earlier Sofiia had found out that Serhii had a mistress: someone sent her a few pictures from a private number in which her Serozha was cosying up to a fat brunette. And in one of them they were even kissing! Well, ‘cosying up’ may not be quite the right word, but... but... what a bastard! Now it was clear why he stayed late at work! Now it was clear why he hadn’t pestered her in bed for so long!
Although... what can you say, their family hearth had begun to go out... so what? So what?! Love can’t last for ever, it gradually weakens, loses its flavour. Like yesterday’s soup. That’s normal. That’s the natural order of things! Nothing to be done, you just have to accept it and grow old together in peace. Not without a bit of tenderness now and then, not at all, but they’re not newlyweds, jumping into bed at every opportunity!
That is how Sofiia tried to persuade herself, and she knew, knew for certain, that she was wrong. Serhii had no intention of growing old in peace; his hormones were still raging, he wanted passionate love and wild sex. And Sofiia couldn’t give him that. Or wouldn’t. She had lost interest. Their intimate moments had become so monotonous and mundane... That’s why she didn’t feel like it. Sometimes she did, but more often not. Serhii wanted to, she didn’t. Or she couldn’t be bothered. Well, yes, she couldn’t be bothered, why pretend... When he really couldn’t stand it any more, fine, here you go, just be quick. And her? For her, a few minutes of pleasure, and not much at that, and then get up, go to the bathroom, wash... It was easier to pretend she had a headache, was tired or something else, in short, the usual female tricks everyone knows. And that is what she did... perhaps too often...
Perhaps she had lost her taste for things she used to enjoy a little too early. Yes, a bit early... She wasn’t even forty yet, a woman in her prime, you could say. And she knew she was attractive. Very, in fact. Regular features, a magnificent bust, gorgeous chestnut hair, expressive grey eyes, and a stunning figure! She still liked being liked. She put a lot of effort into being attractive, first of all to herself, then to everyone, and only then to Serhii. Yes, to him too, but with him it wasn’t essential, he was bound to her anyway, he had nowhere to go, they had been together for so many years. And who would want him anyway: an ordinary clerk with a so-so salary. Handsome, no denying it, though that’s not the main thing, and honest, and decent, but that’s not enough, any woman will tell you that. No ambition, no desire to earn more, and so on...
But look at that! Someone did want him! Elevtina! A stupid name, just like the cow herself. Pretty face, no denying it, but fat as a barrel!
Fat or not, she had started a fling with Serhii! Sofiia had lain in wait for them outside the office and seen them come out (together!): the big cow had Serhii by the arm, he was grinning like a fool, and she was cackling down the whole street! They went their separate ways, but that means nothing: anyone can see something ties them together! And it’s obvious what ties them, the bed ties them! Sofiia had no doubt of it (well, almost), because why else would anyone have sent her those photos? Photos like that aren’t sent for nothing! And she imagined, couldn’t help imagining, Serhii with a lustful smile undressing that hulk of a woman, and her... and her... and then them... Oh Lord, how disgusting, ugh!
Why, why had Serhii cheated on her?! Because of sex? Because she wouldn’t give it to him? She hadn’t for weeks, that’s true; he had lost all hope... And yes, she had been too stubborn about it, but... could that really be the reason?
That half-wit Elevtina obviously never said no to him, and what else does a man need? He wants it, and she’s ready, spreads her massive legs and off he goes! That’s why he’s better off with Elevtina... Oh no, damn it, better off, my foot, he can’t be better off with that frump! Even her laugh is like a tart’s: hee-hee-hee! Anyone can see she’s as dumb as a hen! And as for being good in bed, hardly: at her weight being good in bed is simply impossible!
Then because of her temper. Her temper, yes, that’s possible. Her temper is damn quarrelsome, no use denying it... It didn’t used to be, but somehow it gradually became so. Serhii got angry, and Sofiia admitted it herself, but she couldn’t do anything about it.
God, how unpleasant. And hurtful. So hurtful she had no strength left! He had, in effect, cast her aside, the vile traitor! She, you see, wasn’t good enough for him any more!
But traitor or not, Sofiia didn’t want another man. She understood that at once; she just didn’t know what to do. Make a scene? Or put up with it, endure and wait for it all to blow over by itself? As long as Serhii didn’t leave her. Well, he had a fling, you don’t throw him out for that! She’s no saint herself... and how would she manage without Serhii? Without Serhii she would be miserable. She had never doubted they would grow old together and die, of course, on the same day. And if she threw him out, then what, all that on her own?..
They had no children. It just didn’t happen. The doctors shrugged, advised a healthy lifestyle, regular sexual intercourse and faith that some day, maybe... Nonsense, in short. They went to one folk healer, then another — no use. Gradually they accepted it. And anyway, even back then sex happened only now and then; so much for conception...
After finding out about the mistress, Sofiia began to suffer. And Serhii, the bastard, didn’t notice. He was doing it on purpose, pretending not to notice! Or perhaps he didn’t even suspect she knew. She called Nadia — who else? She had no close friend, and Nadia was hardly suited to the role, but she had to cry on someone’s shoulder! Nadiia listened, burst out laughing and advised her to spit and forget it, because all men are pigs, she knows that for a fact, and they’re not worth getting upset about. She felt a little better. Nadia is an expert in such matters: she had had at least twenty men.
And on Friday she dragged her to a nightclub. Sofiia couldn’t even remember the last time she had been to a nightclub, so she didn’t object. She wanted to unwind, to do something... something... to spite Serhii! To go wild! Not exactly go wild... not all the way, no, not all the way, just to get back at him, take revenge! Let the scoundrel know what it means to cheat and then not even notice!.. No, actually, let him not know; but she would know that she too had strayed a little, just a tiny bit, and taken her revenge that way. That would be fair.
She didn’t say where she was going or when she would be back: let him stew, the parasite!
She climbed out of the bath, feeling the nausea rising, her head splitting and the floor swaying under her feet, put on her bathrobe and went to the bedroom, ignoring the questioning look of Serhii, who hadn’t slept and was waiting in the kitchen. Oh, to hell with him, she had no intention of explaining anything! Right now she wanted just one thing: to fall asleep as fast as possible, so as not to feel the guilt and to get rid of the horrible feeling of having been dragged through the dirt, used crudely and cynically, trampled in muddy boots, body and dignity alike.
She dragged herself to the bed and fell into a heavy stupor.
To be continued…